I am what you would call a ghetto researcher. I base all my info off of movies that I have seen or read about. With that I am here to help you survive one of the leading causes of death among young people (at least in movies) and that is the crazy knife/axe/chainsaw wielding maniac that terrorizes a neighborhood/college campus/project building/porn shop. For some reason these guys always come out right around halloween time, kill a bunch of 18-25 year olds and then gets away somehow to kill again. So with that here are some simple tips to keep you safe.
1. Kill your crazy relatives: This is the first one because it will cause a lot less grief later on. There is always a crazy cousin or something that killed a shit load of cats in the neighborhood and got put in the crazy house and has now escaped and is wanting to kill you for some reason. Just bust a cap in their crazy ass now. I mean the family reunion will be a little weird but at least you won't have to worry about the crazy cat killing cousin anymore.
2. Minorities stay at home: If you are a minority then you should stay your dark ass home during this time of year. I have only seen one movie in which the minority survives til the end. If you are a black guy and you find yourself surrounded by a jock, a goth chick, the geek, the slutty blonde chick and a brunette....RUN! You can thank me later.
3. Don't hide in the closet: Why the hell would you hide in the closet or under the bed? These guys are masters at killing don't you think that is the first place they are going to look for you. They use these hiding spot themselves so of course they are gonna look there!
4. Dress for the occasion: Why do these women dress in a miniskirt and high heels when they know they are being chased down by a madman with a chainsaw? Don't be stupid wear some sneakers. When this guy sees you running in high heels he laughs and says "Are you kidding me!"
5. Never run into the woods: The woods is the last place you would want to run to get away from the crazy cat killing cousin. I rather run through rural Alabama with a shirt on that says "I love white bitches" Then run through the forest. When the guy sees you running into the forest he just shakes his head and goes "Is he even trying to stay alive." That is why they don't run behind you because they know you will fall and then they can chop your silly ass up.
6. Don't have sex!: Are you really that damn horny? Can't you wait until you know for sure that the cat killing cousin isn't looking at you through a window or laying in wait in the closet (see rule 3). This is a perfect time for him because he can kill to birds with one stone. And he got to see the slutty blonde chick's boobies for free.
7. Don't turn your back on the "dead" crazy guy: That fucker ain't dead! He could have half of is face hanging on by cheek skin and he will still get up and try to kill you and then you will have to pop a half dozen bullets into his crazy ass. Why so many bullets? These guys must be on cocaine or something.
8. Dye your hair brown: I find the easiest way to survive being sliced by a crazy madman that loves fucking up trick or treat is to dye your hair brown. Women with brown hair have an 80% chance of living. You not a woman? Who gives a shit don't you want to live! Dye your hair brown, stuff a bra and start denying people sex and you will make it to the final credits.So there you go, if you follow these rules I see no reason why you can't make it to the sequel in which you may survive again. Unless you are to old then you will die in the opening scene. Part 2 will help you against the onslaught of zombies that are bond to happen if another season of American Idol comes on.
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