This is what I get

I am one to keep my feelings close to my chest. I don't want them out because it makes things weird. Now, when that happens there are two things you can do. You can either say your piece try to get everything out in the open, but then get left with you heart on your sleeve, and an awkward situation. Or you can not say anything any bottle it all into your chest. I like the second one best. It is easier to maintain, and you don't have to get feelings and shit like that in the way. I normally will sit back and let shit do it's thing and then be pleased at myself for never letting my true intentions known. It is called being a pussy and it has worked for me for damn near 27 years and I don't know why I changed my tactics.

Now I am left with this smoking piece of shit that used to be my dignity and feel just as shitty when I had everything to myself (and a couple other people). I think I know better than anyone what I should and should not accomplish and relationships is just one of those things I will always have a problem with. Give me a mic and a stage and I will do some shit but give me one person of the opposite sex and I fuck it all to hell.

So, what do I do now? I know! The same thing I have been doing and it seemed to work. I will shut the fuck up when I have a thought, that way I don't look like an ass and I don't have to be up at 12 am on a school night typing shit on a myspace message board just so I can get enough sleep to not pass out in class!

I should just become a hermit. Hermits never have to worry about relationships and whether or not he will be the one or not. All a hermit needs is a shack (mine has to have Internet) a place to shit, some lotion and a place to hide the dead hitchhikers. You know, simple shit. They don't worry about women problems because they never shower. They eat roadkill and ramen noodles...I am half the way there!

But something draws me toward trying to keep this charade going. I only call it a charade because there is nothing but smoke and mirrors attached to a humans relationship to another. We are clothed animals that put way to much feeling into what is basically a mating ritual. Like there are some humans who will type all their "feelings" in a blog for tens of people to look at and laugh...oh wait.

The thing that keeps me going is not the fear of dying lonely or needing someone to pay half the bills. It is because I feel I need that balance. Something that only someone from the opposite sex (at least for me) can provide. Everyone needs a counterbalance no matter how much it hurts to actually deal with the actions invovled in a relationship.

But the only way to do that is to let people know what you are thinking, letting people into you mind and heart. I have trouble letting people into my apartment. What is over on the other side once you have told that person the one thing that has been eating at you for months. You are vulnerable, helpless, and you are at the mercy of another...maybe that is the reason some of us shut the rest of the world out. No control over what the other person may do or say. I did that and with the results I have seen have lead me to believe that maybe not everything should be put out in the open.

Riley