What to do with life

I am at a point in my life where you look and survey the life you have lead up until this point and I feel as though it has all been one big disappointment. I have had my ups, but I feel as though a lot of it has been downs. I have tens of thousands in debt and a daughter that I haven't seen in ages. I just walk around with my head down wondering what is to become of me.

I don't want to get free handouts or anything like that. I just feel like I am not normal. No one is really normal, but at lest they are all in a group of what is considered "normal". I am just the weird black guy that always has a frown on his face. No one will approach you with that type of look on your face. I have tried to smile and stuff like that, but then my cheeks hurt and then I am even more pissed.

Am I really that fucked up from the things that has happened to me in my life? I have tried so many things for my entire life to try and remedy this "ailment" I have. Video games, cars, religion, all of it I have tried and all of it has failed. I have tried numerous medications but that made me more numb then anything else.

I think my life would be totally different if I had something in it that was secure and fulfilling. I have tried helping others, but those bastards are ungrateful so I said fuck em. About the only ting I can think of that makes me feel really good is comedy. I love the look on people's face when I say something funny. I feel as though it is my duty to make sure people are having fun and laughing, but after I leave the stage I am back in my own little sad life.

You would think I would look into my relationship for that feel good feeling, but it is not there. I don't think she can grasp it even if I sat down and told her everything that is going on in my mind at a given time. I can tell her about depression and about how I feel and why I do the things I do, but then she will say something so vague and so bland that it is like talking to someone who had no idea what your problems are. She is kind and honest, but when I used to tell her certain things I would get a bland expression and then a milk cartoon response and it would set my brain on fire.

I don't want to be hard on her. Some people just don't know about certain things and trust me, I do not make things easy for anyone when they are trying to get shit out of me. The only people I really volunteer my voice to is Faith, but she is only a little kid. I am literally at ropes end. But I have been this way back and forth for the past couple of years and whenever it would get to bad something would happen (usually good) that would distract me from the pathetic life I have lead up until now. Year before last it was getting into comedy. Last year it was actually traveling and doing shows. I don't know what I am going to do this year to get myself out of this shittiness that I am in. I have some money saved up for a car but I may just put it toward getting my bankruptcy stuff. Whatever it is I have to do something with this life of mine.