Feeling down

Lately I have just been feeling down. I have been feeling like this for a couple of week even though things are going really good for me right now. I haven't seen my kid in months and I think that is what is killing me. The thing is that I have been avoiding her trying to get my stuff together but I may have actually just made things worse by doing that. I don't make a ton of money (not with this comedy) and I have child support to pay and the thing is that if I were to pay the amount they want me to pay I would be living on the streets and I could not go to school. Altogether I make maybe about 600 a month if you count comedy which I don't do all the time. There is no way I can pay 891 bucks a month but for some reason no one but me really understands that. I could get another job but that would take away from my study time and on top of that there is no way to know if I can make enough to pay child support and rent.

I have asked Adriane on many occasions to take what I can give her but for some reason she thinks I am hiding out on her. I would never do anything like that. She is trying to make an enemy out of me and by not seeing Faith I fell for it hook line and sinker. I thought time would make things better between her mom and I but it did not and now I have this hole in my heart from not seeing her and now that I know it didn't change anything I am even more upset. You would think I would have known better but when it comes to thinks like this I am an idiot.

I was looking for gifts for her when I texted her mom to see if she would like this certian toy. She told me not to bother and to leave her alone. I told her if I am to leave my kid alone then it has to be a two way street. Don't tell me not to try and see her but then every month have your hand out. If you want to be the only parent then be the only parent but don't try to get money out of me and then say I can not see my kid. How am I suppose to tell M that I will not be going over to see Faith. I don't know how to solve this I have dug a hole I can not get out of and it is hurting really bad.

Sometime I think that I would be a better dad if I was not even around. She doesn't see me now at least if I were gone she would get some money. I will keep trying to see her but I maybe talking to thin air now.