The downside of life

What do you tell your lover ones when you just go day to day in life not really expecting much. yesterday was my birthday and the more I see birthdays the more I feel disillusioned about life in general. I like certain aspects of the whole thing. I like playing video games and reading and doing comedy but that is about all. I am so tired of the grind, where nothing really changes in my life except another wrong turn. Comedy is doing alright though, I got to perform for Avista Utilities and Comcast Cable and if I must say so myself I rocked the hell out of that place. I also got to sell a lot of DVDs too. But after I left that emptiness filled right back up.

I usually try to just play games and watch movies...you know to wait everything out but I still feel like crap when I done doing that. I don't even like to sleep! The greatest waster of time is sleeping but I usually feel worst when I wake up then before I went to sleep.

This is the stuff you can't tell M. She will just sit there and say something vague like "well that is life." Yes, I know this is life why say something that makes no logical sense! The other reason I try not to tell her is because I don't want her thinking she can help me or it is something wrong with her because I am down on life. She also has this thing where if she is feeling down it is my fault. One night we are laying in bed and she just says "want to do it." And I say "Nope." She jumps out the bed and goes turn on the TV. I try to go to sleep but I know that something is wrong so I don't. She comes to bed a little bit later and says "You make me feel ugly." No, you think you are ugly but since I wanted to go to sleep it is more convenient to blame it on me. Sometimes a guy just wants to go to sleep not "do it" or anything like that I just want to sleep.

I think she has been looking through my phone but I am not sure. I have seen it moved when I put it one place but I don't need the arguments so I just leave it alone.

I don't know what I am getting for Christmas but I hope it is something I wanted. Nothing sucks more than to get something that you have no interest in or will ever use. She has a big box down by the tree for me but she will not tell me if it is a Nintendo DS. She says no but I don't want to go out and get one because if it is then I will have wasted money. I also bought her brother-in-laws their gifts but I don't even know if they got me anything. I don't want to be buying anyone stuff if they are not going to get me anything in return. They say Christmas is about giving not receiving......well they better give me something or they will receive a foot in their asses.